I’ve been having LOTS of conversations about “hyper-independence” and the toxic effect it can have on relationships with others and the Self. Independence is of course necessary in some ways. We don’t want to become codependent to an unhealthy degree on anyone or anything. The hyper-independence I’m referring to is the state of discomfort that becomes a sense of “normal” due to traumatic events or conditions that left us feeling alone and unsupported. This throws us into a toxic independent state that prevents us from deeply connecting to our loved ones and sharing our Selves openly and compassionately for fear of abandonment, betrayal, or pain. I have been both toxically codependent and toxically independent. I know both ends of the spectrum intimately.
As a child/teenager I struggled with feeling safe. My home environment did not provide safety or stability. I was a terribly sensitive child and cried every day, partially because I felt so unsafe and unsupported, and partially because I was highly sensitive to the energies in my environment.
As an adult, I grew hard. I went through an abusive relationship that toughened me up and helped me to understand boundaries and respect through experiencing the lack of both of those. After that relationship, I had severe trouble with vulnerability. This is something I still struggle with. To a degree that sometimes I haven’t recognized how cold and distant I’ve been from my friends, my family, my children, my beloved. It became such an ingrained safety mechanism that I couldn’t distinguish if it was just “my personality” or a defect of character for a long time.
The fear in my body when I feel tears moving up into my space in front of someone else; it has felt like a knife in my side and I have panicked about being “seen” in my vulnerable state. I couldn’t work through the reasoning in the moment, though. I only recognize that now.
I recently had an incredible session with @oracleofalchemy that built upon a session I had with @oraphimoracle. These two angels have helped me move through these intense vulnerability issues that were a direct effect of blockages in connecting to the Divine Mother fully. Over the last week I’ve been on a rollercoaster of crying jags, moments of unbelievable gratitude that move me to a state of connection with my Guides and Mother that I’ve never experienced before, and intense moments of awe as I witness new visuals and images come through in meditation with my Soul Family.
My connections with my children and my beloved have been opened up and set free. I find myself exploring a depth of emotion with them that I didn’t know was possible. Constantly moved to tears in gratitude and happiness.
Then there are moments of releasing trauma from my past experiences with family members, friends, lovers, as well as releasing guilt surrounding choices I’ve made in my past that further pushed a wedge between my energy body and my Creator. So many emotions coming up in my field to acknowledge and release, or witness and embrace.
This is all being felt in a state of vulnerability. This purging is allowing me to release years of toxic independence that have prevented me from giving and receiving love fully. With others, but especially within myself. Trusting my Self and the Holy Mother and Father enough to open my heart and feel safe in healthy emotional expression.
Toxic independence is another term for suppression, repression, denial, self sacrifice, feeling unsafe, unsupported, unworthy. It can be all of these or just some of these. Determining where the root is and addressing it at the source, preferably with the help of some really incredible quantum healers 😉 allows us to give and receive in beautiful expression within ourselves and with others. This is who we were designed to be 💜